My evolution...

This blogging journey has been interesting.  For me anyway.  Recently, I randomly selected some old posts and it's been interesting to read them and see what was going on in my life then.  Some made me laugh out loud.  Some made me a little sad.  Some made me smile, and some made me think "what the...?"!

I can see some patterns.  Some breakthroughs.  Some times when lessons were repeated, so maybe I didn't always "get" them to the degree that I thought that I did at the time.  Maybe life is just so full at times, that it's easy to get distracted from remembering to stay present, or to fill myself with love all of the time, or to write five things that I'm grateful for every single day.  Or whatever I think that I "should" be doing.

I had a poster of the following 'Ten Rules for Being Human' on my wall when I was a teenager.  It was near my 'Desiderata' poster.  Such wonderful inspiration to share my days with!   I have often remembered, and quoted, parts of both.  Mostly to myself.   It's number 10 on the Rules that always gets me though!

Argh!  Just when I think I've got it, Number 10 strikes again!!

It has taken repetition, and a gradual chipping away at some old patterns.  It has taken me forgetting on a conscious level, so that, when the lesson appears again, I can go deeper into remembering.

I think that all of the "big" lessons for me, have really how to incorporate all of those "little" lessons into my very Being.

Hmm, into my very Being.

That's it!   They become a part of the way that we are, the way that we live every moment.  So then we no longer have to consciously remember them.

Some lessons take longer to incorporate.  That chipping away at old patterns.
Some might hit us with full force after a sudden awareness, which may or may not be triggered by a major event in our life.

Remember to be gentle with the process. Because learning lessons does not end, as long as we are still breathing!

Remember that all that really matters, is love.

Love is our Soul Purpose.

And that you have all of the tools and resources and answers within you already to know how to live that!

Speaking...

I had a friend tell me that another mutual friend has not been in touch with me lately, because she doesn't know where she stands with me.  She likes me, but her main reason?  Because I don't speak a lot.

I wasn't hurt or upset.  I didn't even feel the need to defend myself.  All of those things would have been certain once upon a time.

It was almost like a could feel a little pixie on my right shoulder just having a bit of a laugh!

Maybe that person did or didn't say that.  Maybe the message got a bit skewed in translation.   Either way, I honestly had the feeling that what another person thinks of me, is none of my business!

Maybe that other person is feeling insecure.  I personally thought that she and I had enjoyed some wonderful, and deep conversations.

Later on, I did ponder the statement though.  I thought about the way that I am with people and I just wanted to reflect on it.

At school and church, we were taught to be quiet, but then they wanted up to speak up on command.  I never bought into the trained monkey idea.

I became an observer, a listener.  I like watching people and trying to figure out why they do certain things.  I shared bits of myself at different times.  Sometimes I got hurt because of that.  So I'd pretend to be someone else that was more outgoing or more naughty or just someone that I was not, just to try and fit in.  It didn't work.  My true self said to me "what the heck are you doing?!  You are a gift and you need to let yourself be free so that you can shine!"

Great advice!

I've had a lot of people in and out of my life.  I became cautious about what I shared with new people, and I had to be really comfortable with someone before I could talk about my feelings, or my story.  That became a pattern of protection.  I aim to be kind, and open, and loving, and friendly.  I am happy to hear about you.  Maybe sometimes still, I can be so busy listening to what you are saying, with your words and / or energetically, that I don't even think to share much about my thoughts or feelings about whatever we are talking about.  Sometimes it seems that someone else has a greater need to speak, so I let them go for it.  I don't have a huge need to speak.

I find small talk painful.  And draining.

I don't enjoy being in groups where there are a few people that seem to want to dominate the conversation and talk over the top of others.  The energy feels frantic and competitive to me.

I do enjoy being in relaxed groups with gentle conversation, without needing agreement on whatever subject is being discussed.

I love to talk about the deep things.  About connection.  About finding your power.  About joy.  About what really matters to you.  About Trust.  Purpose.  Stepping up.  Falling down.  Real stuff.  That's the stuff I want to talk about!  And even better if we can chat one on one.

I am not afraid of public speaking, I can do that about any of my passions...unschooling, Love, homeschooling, living simply, Joy, connected parenting, Reiki and energy healing, traveling with children, etc.  I'm very comfortable with bartering, asking for discounts / refunds / replacements, and calmly speaking up when I know that my rights have been wronged.  Some people are terrified of all of these things.  I used to be.

I'm not verbose in person.  (Though I can ramble on via this blog!)  I like the space between the notes.  I like quiet.  Most of the time.  I'm very comfortable with it.  Some people are not and they have a need to fill up the quiet with a stream of chatter.  I don't like to ramble on about the weather, or the political situation, or what I had for lunch.  I'm not judging those who do.  Hey, if that's your thing, I'm happy for you!  Really.  And I've know plenty of lovely people whose thing it is.

I am more inclined to feel my way through life.  I really don't feel the need to talk a lot.  Some friends in the past have found that trait to be quite calming.  I'm not going to be someone that I am not.  Here I AM!  I am happy to be me!   I hope that you are happy to be You!


I'd say that this meme sums up my philosophy:

Slow down...

"Can you slow down please Mom?", said my 11 year old son as he reached out to hold my hand.

We were walking along the beach, soon after the sunrise.

We often did this.  For me, it was a dual purpose activity.  Get some exercise for me and whoever else came along with me, and spending time in nature.

I didn't realise how often the first reason dominated.

There I was, fast walking through the soft sand as I'd done so many times before.  I look at the rising sun, the waves, the sprinkling of seashells.  And I think that I'm doing myself a favour by grounding myself while also pushing myself to walk fast, to see if I can break a little sweat.  To look for the softest sand to walk in as that's more challenging.  To get my main workout for the day over and done with.

And encouraging my kids to do the same.  Not so much with my words, but definitely with my actions.

I started "exercising" in my teens, though I'd always been pretty active anyway.  I studied fitness, health, nutrition.  I worked in the fitness industry.  Also from my teens, I read books on mind-body-spirit connection and spirituality.

I thought that I "got" it.  To some degree, I did.  Sometimes, much more than others.

But today, I got a deeper lesson.  From one of my greatest teachers.  My son.  Who, at almost 12 years old, still loves to hold my hand and have long chats with me.

All that I had to do, was to slow down.

I remembered that I need to let go of control...and surrender to another way.  It's okay for me to stop rushing, and moving fast.  I'm not going to seize up, or turn into a blob if I stop walking fast all the time.  In fact, I might even firm up and trim down as I won't be constantly creating stress in my body which only encourages the body to hold onto weight.

I was so focused on the exercise portion of the morning, that I was down-playing the JOY factor.

Thankfully, I listened to my teacher.

So, we played.

We took turns playing follow-the-leader where the person in front walks all kinds of silly ways, and the person following, has to try and step into their footprints in exactly the same way. It always ends in lots of giggles.

We climbed on the boulders.

We wrote in the sand.

We played at the edge of the water, jumping and stomping through the shallow water.

I got a lesson in balance, and in the importance of JOY!

My body felt happy just because it was moving in a playful way.  The effect was longer-lasting both physically and mentally, than if I had pushed myself to work hard.

There is so much emphasis on results, that we often forget that the process is what's really important.

The happiest times of my life, were when I lived that.  When I was not even focused on "living in Joy".  When our days consisted of play, and movement, and nature, and just Being, and without even trying, or thinking about it, I was living in a state of Joy.

I know that I've lived it before.  I know that I can do it again.

Thankfully, I have a great teacher who will remind me!

I'm not going to stop doing intense workouts.   There is something really empowering about pushing myself to go a bit further, or harder, or to lift heavier.  But I will aim to remember to not take it all too seriously, and to have fun and enJOY the process.  Perhaps I'll even stop referring to them as "workouts", and instead call it "play time" to remind me of where my focus would better serve me.

There is so much freedom in letting go of control!

When I get out of my head and the shoulds, musts, have tos, blah blah....and let my heart lead.  Then.  Then there is Joy.

It's so simple, yet we make it so damn complicated some times!    Just remembering how simple it is, makes me feel lighter.  I'm sitting here laughing at myself and this whole crazy life!!

Control...and Surrender

Mercury retrograde, or whatever other forces within me and outside of me...thank you.

It was a tough, emotional realisation, but one that I had sensed was coming.

My issue with Control.

Why?  When did I first feel out of control?

Definitely when I started school, a couple of months before I turned 5.  Possibly even before then.

I remember walking myself home from school when my mother was late in picking me up.  New to being 5 years old, I was full of independence and a sense of freedom and adventure.  I still remember what that felt like as that little girl.  I was confident and not at all scared.  When I finally did make it the long way home, I was surprised that my mother had called the Police and that everyone that we knew had been out looking for me.  I didn't see what the fuss was.  I was home.  I'd had a great time.  I remember feeling so free on that walk.  Away from the teachers telling me what to do, how to learn, when to eat, when to go to the bathroom.  Away from everything and everyone that I knew.  Just me and my little legs taking their time, and enjoying every step.

As a child, I could feel that there was something so much ...More.  I had tasted freedom, and I loved it!  I had known it was there, but the severe reaction to me enjoying that, made for a big question in my young mind.

I grew quiet and observed how the game was played.  I found ways to pretend that I was doing the right thing.

Years of schooling, church, society, peers.  Control...think...do...act...please...play the game.

I had many spiritual insights as a child, but I didn't know what to do with them.  As a teen, I continued a spiritual search, I became more interested in health, but also in any way that I could be free.  I had an inner rebellion gathering force.   Often it would leak outwards - smoking, drinking, drugs.  Sometimes, I was just unkind to people that were genuinely trying to love me.  I am not proud of any of that.

I was restless.  I moved around.  The rest of the story doesn't really matter right now.

I wouldn't say that I was a "control freak".  But it has been a way for me to maintain my independence.  "No, I don't need help...I can do this by myself."   But at the same time, I wanted to help others.  My husband, my children, my family, friends and clients.  I got in my own way, and didn't always allow others to do things their way.

Not all of the time.  I've certainly had a lot of times when I felt like I was in the flow and accepting and allowing.

But there was still this control factor there, in the background.  The band-aid that I had put on in order to cope with this world where I didn't feel that I could always just BE.  I know that I held myself back.

In this world where there is just so much that I cannot control.  Where there are so many things that affect me deeply.  Where I just get so upset about the injustice done to other people, especially the children, also the animals and the environment.  I tried to maintain control of my own little space.  Maybe a little too much.

I now face that need to control.  I feel how it is limiting me.  I see that some of it was based in fear.
Fear of being 'wrong'.
Fear of not knowing the outcome.
Fear of needing to find a new way when I worked so damn hard to figure out the other way.
Fear of not wanting to put others out.
Fear of thinking that I am too selfish and I will hurt someone else (as I did in my teens and 20's).
Fear of shining too brightly and the safety of holding back.
(Wow.  This is why I love writing...for the personal processing that happens.  I didn't realise most of the things in this paragraph until I got out of the way and let it flow.  wow.)

I thank Control for the perceived protection it used to give me.....I see its motive, realise that it does not serve me, and I release it.

I surrender to freedom!

I go deeper into Trusting that life is unfolding as it should.

Of course there is still a game to play, and things that need to be done in this life.   But with a lighter mindset and a happy heart, I can be soaring even when I am paying bills or doing housework.  With surrender, I can accomplish the exact same things, but with peace and calm and joy, rather than frustration and fear.

This life is just so interesting.  The layers that we build up and then pull down!  What a ridiculous, hilarious, clever process it all is!

It feels as though this was just another important realisation in this winding, roller-coaster, swirling path of really living as Love.  This lesson has come up before, but I take it deeper this time.

I just need to remember: