The Freedom of Timelessness...

 

I lay in bed, not feeling great.  The first head cold that I’ve had in years.  My body begging to just. Stay. Still.  My mind circling around my ‘to do’ list.  Such a habit to get up and get moving through the routine and rituals of the day.

There was a little thought....what if...we just stayed here?  

What if...we let the wisdom of the body rule, just this once?  

What if...we truly felt this moment all the way through, until the body was ready to rise?

It was tempting, enticing, a little scary.  

And I didn’t believe that it was possible.

I didn’t believe that I would be able to fully relax as there would be a hesitation...surely someone will come knocking on my door, wanting something.

I got up and got on with the day.

But that thought stayed with me, the longing of the body to just be still and quiet until it was ready to move.  Would some wisdom come to me during this time, maybe I was afraid of that?  Would I feel lazy for allowing myself that time?  

My body is aching for some deep rest.  It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.  I am not expecting any great insights.  I just need to let it Be.

I cannot remember the last time that I allowed myself to experience a moment in its natural entirety, without having a doorstop on it.

Without thinking that I need to watch the clock, knowing that someone would be needing something from me.  Without thinking that I “should” be heading home as the family might be wondering if I am okay.  Without the expectation that someone will interrupt me as that has been the pattern for so so long.  (Yes, I set it up like that. Yes, I put being a mother before my own needs.  And Yes, I would do it the same way all over again.  After 23 years as a full time mom, I’m just a bit tired.  Not complaining at all, just recognising that I need to honour my own needs.)

I was recently asked “what is your strongest memory in this lifetime?”.  

My mind immediately went to a beach that I used to go to by myself, when I was in my late teens and had my driver’s licence.  It was a very quiet, often deserted, beautiful beach on a horseshoe bay.  

I would feel totally comfortable, at peace, at One with nature and Spirit.  

I would go there and stay all day, or a few hours.  But it was always just until I had my fill and felt it was right to move on.

There I was, on the cusp of adulthood, able to just Be right there.

Is that the magic of childhood?  Being able to live in that feeling of timelessness?  I’m talking about before school days, and after starting school, on school holiday times.  Back when we could get lost in our imaginations and sense of wonder.  Before all of the responsibilities and requirements that being an adult brings with it.

How to recapture that?

Being aware of the need for that.  The Soul’s yearning for that quiet, uninterrupted time to just Be.  

Then simply allowing ourselves that freedom.  Telling our families, friends, whoever, that we simply will not be available for the next few hours / day / week.

I can do that...and I will!  I can feel that Freedom already, just in giving myself ‘permission’.  Oh we are funny creatures!

Colours and chances....

I invite more colour into my life!

I dare to be bold and take more chances!

I am not trying to recapture my youth.  God no!  That was filled with insecurity, and hesitation, and the need for chemicals to fuel my confidence.

I no longer need those things.

And I am tired of playing small to please others.

I choose to grow Bolder as I grow older!!

I no longer need approval, or permission, or even recognition.

I do things that please Me!

There is so much freedom in that!

Still a Free Spirit

A new year, a new decade is around the corner.  It’s not just that though, I’m feeling on the cusp on something bigger...new even.

Which is really refreshing as I’ve been feeling the need to hermit myself in the past couple of years.  I’ve been feeling sad, and down, and overwhelmed with life.  But I will talk more about that another time.  Because lately, I’m starting to remember who I am again.

I have a feeling of hope, and purpose.

I have ideas of where to place my focus, but there is conflict.  I feel the duality, the opposites in me.

I am Peace
I am Wild

I am Gentle
I am Fierce

I am Soft
I am Strong

I am Brave
I am Afraid

I am Flowing
I am Still

I am Tiny
I am Magnificent

I am all of this, and more!

I see these qualities in the ocean, which is probably why I feel such a connection there.

I embrace this power!

I embrace my highs, my lows.

I embrace my ebbs and my flows.

I will not fit into a box...I am free and fluid.

I am still living a Free Spirit Life!

Getting unstuck...

This feeling of feeling ‘stuck’...it’s familiar.  I hate it.  I feel angry at those around me that have caused this.

But is that true?

Does that feel good, or right?

Is that a lazy way of giving up on my own dreams?  By blaming others?

The shit gets real.

Yeah, life gets really hard sometimes, when tons of responsibility demands attention to other people and things.

What about me?  When do I get a go?

The answer....

Whenever I decide to.

Whaaat?

I can make time to go for a walk, to read or watch something inspiring (instead of numbing).
I can choose to nourish my body with nutritious and delicious food.
I can choose what to focus my mind on...love, gratitude, and peace, or being a poor me victim.
I can choose what to wear that can help with how I feel.

I can make a lot of choices, and that helps me to remember that I am actually not stuck.
There may be some things beyond my control at the moment, but there are a lot of things that are in my control.  Things that matter a whole lot.

And that’s pretty awesome!

Write, right?

Feeling overwhelmed, underwhelmed, wanting more, needing less.  

So much time in between posts here.  

In between the busy, I’m trying to find me again.  Where did I go?  

Feeling so stressed, so tired, so drained by the end of the day that I sit on the floor and watch some easy entertaining on the big black box.  

Tick tock....another day goes by, another week, month and year.  

Have I grown?  Or have I continued to flounder along?  Am I expecting too much of myself?

Has my identity been relegated to Mom / Wife / Daughter / Sister / etc?

What do I expect of myself?  What would I like my identity to be (besides those above?). 

Hmm, ... I think that I expect that I should have a bigger impact on the world.  That I “should” be doing more of something for the greater good.   I know...I’m shoulding on myself.  So maybe there’s something a bit deeper. ...

I want to be authentically me.  

I want deeper connections.

I want to help others on their healing journey, whether that’s through sharing a deep conversation, or a Reiki session, or a massage, or teaching yoga.  All of that resonates with me.

On another long solo drive to visit my terminally-ill mum,  I was pondering all of this.  I was thinking of what I could do to feel like I was staying in touch with myself, in between my necessary focus on some major things happening in my family.  

Write.  That’s what I heard in my mind.  

I’ve written hundreds of blog posts in my head in the past few years.  Time to go public again.  Time to make the time to share.  Right?  

Maybe my words can help someone else to not feel so alone, to feel more connected, to help to find their joy.  Or maybe they won’t.  

I need to stop doubting myself.  In between all of the other things, and the yoga, and the conversations etc, I just need to write.

Always, Love...

Hello Friends,

Too much has happened since my last post.  I won’t even try to catch up.

I received some very disturbing news about six weeks ago.  Processing it was consuming me.  I was giving energy to a situation that could not be changed, and the person responsible was no longer around to explain.

I felt that continually focusing on the situation was giving it energy, which was keeping me stuck in a dark cycle.

I remembered a vision that I once had, where I saw and felt the pure Love and Joy that is the essence of us all.  The strength and clarity of the vision was powerful and life-changing.  Although it had happened years ago, I could still recall the beauty and intensity of it.

So I chose to focus on the pure Love that is at the core of us all.

I chose to accept that there are some things that I will never understand.

I chose to realise that it is not my place to forgive.  I too, have missed the mark.

I chose to remember the Love.

The Love that we all are, even though we may forget that sometimes.

And therein, I found Peace.

The Adventure Continues...

About 10 years ago, I was on a walk with a friend and our children.  We happened upon an old graveyard and we took time to look at some of the old headstones.  My friend told me what she would want on her headstone.  Mostly about her children and her accomplishments.  I was happy for her.  Up to that point, I hadn't given a lot of thought to the end of my life, though I was, and still am, very comfortable with the idea that we are all on a one-way ticket here.  I know that my trip is getting closer to the end, but whether that is in 5 days, or 50 years, I don't know what is in store for me.

Perhaps it is that not knowing that keeps me living the way that I do.  To live without too many attachments; to aim to live kindly and with love; and to make life interesting.

I personally can't imagine anything worse than being put into a box deep in the ground.  I do not want any kind of marker taking up space.  I didn't explain all of that to my friend.  But when she asked what my headstone would read, I said that it would just say "The Adventure Continues...".  I believe that there is an amazing life beyond this physical one.

I am not planning on dying anytime soon, but we do have to move house.  It's time.  We have outgrown this little place, but the beautiful location has kept us here.  It does feel like we are on the cusp of a new adventure!  We have no real commitments here, and we could go anywhere.  As much as I love this area, it has gotten very expensive with the upcoming Commonwealth Games coming here next April.

Where to go though?  There are new places to consider, or some familiar places as well.  None of them feel like, well, 'home'.  For me, the only place that really feels like home, is sitting on a beach.  But the rest of the family's needs have to be considered.  I've looked at some houses and they just feel like a little box, and the thought of moving into one of them makes me feel suffocated.

We went from living in a caravan, to living in this townhouse with a beautiful lake in our front yard.  I guess that I need a place that is connected to nature.

We have lived in this area for over nine years.  I am open to staying here if the right place becomes available.  And I am open to moving to a new area as well.   Lots to do and explore!  The Adventure Continues...!!

Pointless Consumption

"In 2007, the journalist Adam Welz records, 13 rhinos were killed by poachers in South Africa. This year, so far, 585 have been shot. No one is entirely sure why. But one answer is that very rich people in Vietnam are now sprinkling ground rhino horn on their food or snorting it like cocaine to display their wealth. It’s grotesque, but it scarcely differs from what almost everyone in industrialised nations is doing: trashing the living world through pointless consumption. 

"This boom has not happened by accident. Our lives have been corralled and shaped in order to encourage it. World trade rules force countries to participate in the festival of junk. Governments cut taxes, deregulate business, manipulate interest rates to stimulate spending. But seldom do the engineers of these policies stop and ask “spending on what?”. When every conceivable want and need has been met (among those who have disposable money), growth depends on selling the utterly useless. The solemnity of the state, its might and majesty, are harnessed to the task of delivering Terry the Swearing Turtle to our doors."

Full article:  http://www.monbiot.com/2012/12/10/the-gift-of-death/


'The festival of junk'.  That might be funny if it wasn't so sadly true.

I have so much more that I want to say about this, but don't have the time right now.  I came across this article this morning, and just had to share the bit above.

I think that slowly, people are becoming more aware of what their habits are doing to the earth.  I've been doing what I can, but feel inspired to do even more.  It's just a matter of creating new habits.

My evolution...

This blogging journey has been interesting.  For me anyway.  Recently, I randomly selected some old posts and it's been interesting to read them and see what was going on in my life then.  Some made me laugh out loud.  Some made me a little sad.  Some made me smile, and some made me think "what the...?"!

I can see some patterns.  Some breakthroughs.  Some times when lessons were repeated, so maybe I didn't always "get" them to the degree that I thought that I did at the time.  Maybe life is just so full at times, that it's easy to get distracted from remembering to stay present, or to fill myself with love all of the time, or to write five things that I'm grateful for every single day.  Or whatever I think that I "should" be doing.

I had a poster of the following 'Ten Rules for Being Human' on my wall when I was a teenager.  It was near my 'Desiderata' poster.  Such wonderful inspiration to share my days with!   I have often remembered, and quoted, parts of both.  Mostly to myself.   It's number 10 on the Rules that always gets me though!

Argh!  Just when I think I've got it, Number 10 strikes again!!

It has taken repetition, and a gradual chipping away at some old patterns.  It has taken me forgetting on a conscious level, so that, when the lesson appears again, I can go deeper into remembering.

I think that all of the "big" lessons for me, have really how to incorporate all of those "little" lessons into my very Being.

Hmm, into my very Being.

That's it!   They become a part of the way that we are, the way that we live every moment.  So then we no longer have to consciously remember them.

Some lessons take longer to incorporate.  That chipping away at old patterns.
Some might hit us with full force after a sudden awareness, which may or may not be triggered by a major event in our life.

Remember to be gentle with the process. Because learning lessons does not end, as long as we are still breathing!

Remember that all that really matters, is love.

Love is our Soul Purpose.

And that you have all of the tools and resources and answers within you already to know how to live that!

Speaking...

I had a friend tell me that another mutual friend has not been in touch with me lately, because she doesn't know where she stands with me.  She likes me, but her main reason?  Because I don't speak a lot.

I wasn't hurt or upset.  I didn't even feel the need to defend myself.  All of those things would have been certain once upon a time.

It was almost like a could feel a little pixie on my right shoulder just having a bit of a laugh!

Maybe that person did or didn't say that.  Maybe the message got a bit skewed in translation.   Either way, I honestly had the feeling that what another person thinks of me, is none of my business!

Maybe that other person is feeling insecure.  I personally thought that she and I had enjoyed some wonderful, and deep conversations.

Later on, I did ponder the statement though.  I thought about the way that I am with people and I just wanted to reflect on it.

At school and church, we were taught to be quiet, but then they wanted up to speak up on command.  I never bought into the trained monkey idea.

I became an observer, a listener.  I like watching people and trying to figure out why they do certain things.  I shared bits of myself at different times.  Sometimes I got hurt because of that.  So I'd pretend to be someone else that was more outgoing or more naughty or just someone that I was not, just to try and fit in.  It didn't work.  My true self said to me "what the heck are you doing?!  You are a gift and you need to let yourself be free so that you can shine!"

Great advice!

I've had a lot of people in and out of my life.  I became cautious about what I shared with new people, and I had to be really comfortable with someone before I could talk about my feelings, or my story.  That became a pattern of protection.  I aim to be kind, and open, and loving, and friendly.  I am happy to hear about you.  Maybe sometimes still, I can be so busy listening to what you are saying, with your words and / or energetically, that I don't even think to share much about my thoughts or feelings about whatever we are talking about.  Sometimes it seems that someone else has a greater need to speak, so I let them go for it.  I don't have a huge need to speak.

I find small talk painful.  And draining.

I don't enjoy being in groups where there are a few people that seem to want to dominate the conversation and talk over the top of others.  The energy feels frantic and competitive to me.

I do enjoy being in relaxed groups with gentle conversation, without needing agreement on whatever subject is being discussed.

I love to talk about the deep things.  About connection.  About finding your power.  About joy.  About what really matters to you.  About Trust.  Purpose.  Stepping up.  Falling down.  Real stuff.  That's the stuff I want to talk about!  And even better if we can chat one on one.

I am not afraid of public speaking, I can do that about any of my passions...unschooling, Love, homeschooling, living simply, Joy, connected parenting, Reiki and energy healing, traveling with children, etc.  I'm very comfortable with bartering, asking for discounts / refunds / replacements, and calmly speaking up when I know that my rights have been wronged.  Some people are terrified of all of these things.  I used to be.

I'm not verbose in person.  (Though I can ramble on via this blog!)  I like the space between the notes.  I like quiet.  Most of the time.  I'm very comfortable with it.  Some people are not and they have a need to fill up the quiet with a stream of chatter.  I don't like to ramble on about the weather, or the political situation, or what I had for lunch.  I'm not judging those who do.  Hey, if that's your thing, I'm happy for you!  Really.  And I've know plenty of lovely people whose thing it is.

I am more inclined to feel my way through life.  I really don't feel the need to talk a lot.  Some friends in the past have found that trait to be quite calming.  I'm not going to be someone that I am not.  Here I AM!  I am happy to be me!   I hope that you are happy to be You!


I'd say that this meme sums up my philosophy: