Now, Be Here…

I was born in the year of the Snake…and I feel that snake energy lately. I feel that I have shed so many skins over my lifetime.  But with this latest shed, I came out shining with beautiful blues and purples around me. Peaceful and connected to Something Greater. 

In the shedding, I have let go of having to do things that really do not feel in alignment with my essence. I have relaxed the ‘shoulding’ all over myself.

I prioritise Peace, and Joy, and Love…and I find those things in Presence.  

And I do not need permission from anyone!

One of the tools that got me through my cancer journey gracefully, was constantly returning to the present, and really feeling whatever I was feeling.  The physical sensations, the sounds, the sights, all witnessed without judgement. Doing this regularly kept me calm and focused on the only things that I could control at the time…my breath, and my awareness.  I did not want to think about what ‘might’ happen, or dwell on what had caused the cancer.  Those things were not helpful for me at that time.

I am grateful for this life, for all of the lessons.

So right Now, I am just Being Here…with this moment, and remembering the Peace in Presence.

Fine Tuning…

 It’s been a while…so much has happened…but I am feeling inspired to write lately, so here we go..

One of the hardest things I went through over four years ago, was supporting my mother as a disease slowly took her life.  I have since learned that grief is not something that I will get through…it is always with me, but if I balance it with gratitude, I can move forward, even if I get stuck for a bit.

One year ago I was recovering from surgery for colorectal cancer.  At no point did I have the mindset of  “fighting cancer”.  This was something that my body had created…for whatever reason…and I chose to partner with cancer, and I would send love to my tumour that I nicknamed ‘Space Invader’.  I am so grateful for the experience, for the care and attention I received from the medical community, and for the love that I received from family, friends, and people I had not even met but who had heard my story.

When I was feeling stronger, I was trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with the pause in my life that cancer had given me.  I did not have any major insights, though I felt as though I should have.  I enjoyed the rest, as I had felt very present throughout the journey. 

I flip-flopped between going back to my work in childcare, or studying to redo my certifications in fitness so that I could help older adults and/or cancer patients, or offering massage, or some combination of all of those.  I went back to childcare, but still tried to fit the other options in somehow and ended up feeling like I was on a spiral going back and forth.

I took some time to really think about the realities of all of the options.  I chose childcare as my focus, and let go of the other options.  And it felt so good and so right.  I accept that I am a Natural Nurturer!  

Now that I have that clarity of Purpose, I am doing further study to give me more options in the future.  I like where I work - the location is peaceful and surrounded by bush land and animals, the team is the best I’ve worked with in this industry, and the children…I just feel such a heart connection.   I would however, like to open my own centre, or move to another centre that truly respects the children and has a bigger focus on creativity and play.  I have so many ideas, and my inner unschooler is dancing with joy!

Facing Reality...

 I actually wrote this on 19 May 2021..

My bathroom mirror lied to me...through its dim light and shadow, I thought that I wore a younger face.

What a shock!  Who’s that old woman?  Repelled by the image, I looked away and it was some time before I went to the window of truth to see the real reflection.  

What...what happened to my youth?  I sat with that feeling.  I accept the fact that I am 56.  I found it hard to accept looking like I was close to 60 years old.  (According to who??)

In this culture that glorifies the young and beautiful, I no longer saw myself as beautiful.  I actually don’t know that I ever really thought of myself as ‘beautiful’, but rather an acceptable average-looking person, and I was okay with that.  But I no longer saw even that.

I started thinking about places that I have been, adventures that I’ve had.  All of the times when I let my heart lead and some of the people that I met along the way.  Times when I stood up for myself, when I felt the fear but did it anyway.  

I’ve known a lot of love, and lust, and frustration, and anger, and resentment, and joy, and beauty, and adventure, and wonder.  I started feeling the amazing life that I have had.

My face, my companion through it all.  I smiled.  I’ve earned these story lines on my face.

I embraced the Triple Goddess in me.  I acknowledge my inner child and maiden, I embrace them and thank them for their gifts and lessons.  I acknowledge the mother phase in me.  Physically that phase is over and it was the greatest phase of all.  Although I can no longer give birth, I will always be a mother and that is my deepest honour.  I embrace all of the gifts and lessons that I have received in this role and I am so very grateful.

To the Crone that I am learning to be.  I can feel in me the Grandmother that I always wanted, but did not have.  Nurturing, fun, interested, kind, and so loving.  I embrace you and I take your hand.  Let’s walk this next bit together.  I am ready.

The Freedom of Timelessness...

 

I lay in bed, not feeling great.  The first head cold that I’ve had in years.  My body begging to just. Stay. Still.  My mind circling around my ‘to do’ list.  Such a habit to get up and get moving through the routine and rituals of the day.

There was a little thought....what if...we just stayed here?  

What if...we let the wisdom of the body rule, just this once?  

What if...we truly felt this moment all the way through, until the body was ready to rise?

It was tempting, enticing, a little scary.  

And I didn’t believe that it was possible.

I didn’t believe that I would be able to fully relax as there would be a hesitation...surely someone will come knocking on my door, wanting something.

I got up and got on with the day.

But that thought stayed with me, the longing of the body to just be still and quiet until it was ready to move.  Would some wisdom come to me during this time, maybe I was afraid of that?  Would I feel lazy for allowing myself that time?  

My body is aching for some deep rest.  It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.  I am not expecting any great insights.  I just need to let it Be.

I cannot remember the last time that I allowed myself to experience a moment in its natural entirety, without having a doorstop on it.

Without thinking that I need to watch the clock, knowing that someone would be needing something from me.  Without thinking that I “should” be heading home as the family might be wondering if I am okay.  Without the expectation that someone will interrupt me as that has been the pattern for so so long.  (Yes, I set it up like that. Yes, I put being a mother before my own needs.  And Yes, I would do it the same way all over again.  After 23 years as a full time mom, I’m just a bit tired.  Not complaining at all, just recognising that I need to honour my own needs.)

I was recently asked “what is your strongest memory in this lifetime?”.  

My mind immediately went to a beach that I used to go to by myself, when I was in my late teens and had my driver’s licence.  It was a very quiet, often deserted, beautiful beach on a horseshoe bay.  

I would feel totally comfortable, at peace, at One with nature and Spirit.  

I would go there and stay all day, or a few hours.  But it was always just until I had my fill and felt it was right to move on.

There I was, on the cusp of adulthood, able to just Be right there.

Is that the magic of childhood?  Being able to live in that feeling of timelessness?  I’m talking about before school days, and after starting school, on school holiday times.  Back when we could get lost in our imaginations and sense of wonder.  Before all of the responsibilities and requirements that being an adult brings with it.

How to recapture that?

Being aware of the need for that.  The Soul’s yearning for that quiet, uninterrupted time to just Be.  

Then simply allowing ourselves that freedom.  Telling our families, friends, whoever, that we simply will not be available for the next few hours / day / week.

I can do that...and I will!  I can feel that Freedom already, just in giving myself ‘permission’.  Oh we are funny creatures!

Colours and chances....

I invite more colour into my life!

I dare to be bold and take more chances!

I am not trying to recapture my youth.  God no!  That was filled with insecurity, and hesitation, and the need for chemicals to fuel my confidence.

I no longer need those things.

And I am tired of playing small to please others.

I choose to grow Bolder as I grow older!!

I no longer need approval, or permission, or even recognition.

I do things that please Me!

There is so much freedom in that!

Still a Free Spirit

A new year, a new decade is around the corner.  It’s not just that though, I’m feeling on the cusp on something bigger...new even.

Which is really refreshing as I’ve been feeling the need to hermit myself in the past couple of years.  I’ve been feeling sad, and down, and overwhelmed with life.  But I will talk more about that another time.  Because lately, I’m starting to remember who I am again.

I have a feeling of hope, and purpose.

I have ideas of where to place my focus, but there is conflict.  I feel the duality, the opposites in me.

I am Peace
I am Wild

I am Gentle
I am Fierce

I am Soft
I am Strong

I am Brave
I am Afraid

I am Flowing
I am Still

I am Tiny
I am Magnificent

I am all of this, and more!

I see these qualities in the ocean, which is probably why I feel such a connection there.

I embrace this power!

I embrace my highs, my lows.

I embrace my ebbs and my flows.

I will not fit into a box...I am free and fluid.

I am still living a Free Spirit Life!

Getting unstuck...

This feeling of feeling ‘stuck’...it’s familiar.  I hate it.  I feel angry at those around me that have caused this.

But is that true?

Does that feel good, or right?

Is that a lazy way of giving up on my own dreams?  By blaming others?

The shit gets real.

Yeah, life gets really hard sometimes, when tons of responsibility demands attention to other people and things.

What about me?  When do I get a go?

The answer....

Whenever I decide to.

Whaaat?

I can make time to go for a walk, to read or watch something inspiring (instead of numbing).
I can choose to nourish my body with nutritious and delicious food.
I can choose what to focus my mind on...love, gratitude, and peace, or being a poor me victim.
I can choose what to wear that can help with how I feel.

I can make a lot of choices, and that helps me to remember that I am actually not stuck.
There may be some things beyond my control at the moment, but there are a lot of things that are in my control.  Things that matter a whole lot.

And that’s pretty awesome!

Write, right?

Feeling overwhelmed, underwhelmed, wanting more, needing less.  

So much time in between posts here.  

In between the busy, I’m trying to find me again.  Where did I go?  

Feeling so stressed, so tired, so drained by the end of the day that I sit on the floor and watch some easy entertaining on the big black box.  

Tick tock....another day goes by, another week, month and year.  

Have I grown?  Or have I continued to flounder along?  Am I expecting too much of myself?

Has my identity been relegated to Mom / Wife / Daughter / Sister / etc?

What do I expect of myself?  What would I like my identity to be (besides those above?). 

Hmm, ... I think that I expect that I should have a bigger impact on the world.  That I “should” be doing more of something for the greater good.   I know...I’m shoulding on myself.  So maybe there’s something a bit deeper. ...

I want to be authentically me.  

I want deeper connections.

I want to help others on their healing journey, whether that’s through sharing a deep conversation, or a Reiki session, or a massage, or teaching yoga.  All of that resonates with me.

On another long solo drive to visit my terminally-ill mum,  I was pondering all of this.  I was thinking of what I could do to feel like I was staying in touch with myself, in between my necessary focus on some major things happening in my family.  

Write.  That’s what I heard in my mind.  

I’ve written hundreds of blog posts in my head in the past few years.  Time to go public again.  Time to make the time to share.  Right?  

Maybe my words can help someone else to not feel so alone, to feel more connected, to help to find their joy.  Or maybe they won’t.  

I need to stop doubting myself.  In between all of the other things, and the yoga, and the conversations etc, I just need to write.

Always, Love...

Hello Friends,

Too much has happened since my last post.  I won’t even try to catch up.

I received some very disturbing news about six weeks ago.  Processing it was consuming me.  I was giving energy to a situation that could not be changed, and the person responsible was no longer around to explain.

I felt that continually focusing on the situation was giving it energy, which was keeping me stuck in a dark cycle.

I remembered a vision that I once had, where I saw and felt the pure Love and Joy that is the essence of us all.  The strength and clarity of the vision was powerful and life-changing.  Although it had happened years ago, I could still recall the beauty and intensity of it.

So I chose to focus on the pure Love that is at the core of us all.

I chose to accept that there are some things that I will never understand.

I chose to realise that it is not my place to forgive.  I too, have missed the mark.

I chose to remember the Love.

The Love that we all are, even though we may forget that sometimes.

And therein, I found Peace.

The Adventure Continues...

About 10 years ago, I was on a walk with a friend and our children.  We happened upon an old graveyard and we took time to look at some of the old headstones.  My friend told me what she would want on her headstone.  Mostly about her children and her accomplishments.  I was happy for her.  Up to that point, I hadn't given a lot of thought to the end of my life, though I was, and still am, very comfortable with the idea that we are all on a one-way ticket here.  I know that my trip is getting closer to the end, but whether that is in 5 days, or 50 years, I don't know what is in store for me.

Perhaps it is that not knowing that keeps me living the way that I do.  To live without too many attachments; to aim to live kindly and with love; and to make life interesting.

I personally can't imagine anything worse than being put into a box deep in the ground.  I do not want any kind of marker taking up space.  I didn't explain all of that to my friend.  But when she asked what my headstone would read, I said that it would just say "The Adventure Continues...".  I believe that there is an amazing life beyond this physical one.

I am not planning on dying anytime soon, but we do have to move house.  It's time.  We have outgrown this little place, but the beautiful location has kept us here.  It does feel like we are on the cusp of a new adventure!  We have no real commitments here, and we could go anywhere.  As much as I love this area, it has gotten very expensive with the upcoming Commonwealth Games coming here next April.

Where to go though?  There are new places to consider, or some familiar places as well.  None of them feel like, well, 'home'.  For me, the only place that really feels like home, is sitting on a beach.  But the rest of the family's needs have to be considered.  I've looked at some houses and they just feel like a little box, and the thought of moving into one of them makes me feel suffocated.

We went from living in a caravan, to living in this townhouse with a beautiful lake in our front yard.  I guess that I need a place that is connected to nature.

We have lived in this area for over nine years.  I am open to staying here if the right place becomes available.  And I am open to moving to a new area as well.   Lots to do and explore!  The Adventure Continues...!!

Pointless Consumption

"In 2007, the journalist Adam Welz records, 13 rhinos were killed by poachers in South Africa. This year, so far, 585 have been shot. No one is entirely sure why. But one answer is that very rich people in Vietnam are now sprinkling ground rhino horn on their food or snorting it like cocaine to display their wealth. It’s grotesque, but it scarcely differs from what almost everyone in industrialised nations is doing: trashing the living world through pointless consumption. 

"This boom has not happened by accident. Our lives have been corralled and shaped in order to encourage it. World trade rules force countries to participate in the festival of junk. Governments cut taxes, deregulate business, manipulate interest rates to stimulate spending. But seldom do the engineers of these policies stop and ask “spending on what?”. When every conceivable want and need has been met (among those who have disposable money), growth depends on selling the utterly useless. The solemnity of the state, its might and majesty, are harnessed to the task of delivering Terry the Swearing Turtle to our doors."

Full article:  http://www.monbiot.com/2012/12/10/the-gift-of-death/


'The festival of junk'.  That might be funny if it wasn't so sadly true.

I have so much more that I want to say about this, but don't have the time right now.  I came across this article this morning, and just had to share the bit above.

I think that slowly, people are becoming more aware of what their habits are doing to the earth.  I've been doing what I can, but feel inspired to do even more.  It's just a matter of creating new habits.

My evolution...

This blogging journey has been interesting.  For me anyway.  Recently, I randomly selected some old posts and it's been interesting to read them and see what was going on in my life then.  Some made me laugh out loud.  Some made me a little sad.  Some made me smile, and some made me think "what the...?"!

I can see some patterns.  Some breakthroughs.  Some times when lessons were repeated, so maybe I didn't always "get" them to the degree that I thought that I did at the time.  Maybe life is just so full at times, that it's easy to get distracted from remembering to stay present, or to fill myself with love all of the time, or to write five things that I'm grateful for every single day.  Or whatever I think that I "should" be doing.

I had a poster of the following 'Ten Rules for Being Human' on my wall when I was a teenager.  It was near my 'Desiderata' poster.  Such wonderful inspiration to share my days with!   I have often remembered, and quoted, parts of both.  Mostly to myself.   It's number 10 on the Rules that always gets me though!

Argh!  Just when I think I've got it, Number 10 strikes again!!

It has taken repetition, and a gradual chipping away at some old patterns.  It has taken me forgetting on a conscious level, so that, when the lesson appears again, I can go deeper into remembering.

I think that all of the "big" lessons for me, have really how to incorporate all of those "little" lessons into my very Being.

Hmm, into my very Being.

That's it!   They become a part of the way that we are, the way that we live every moment.  So then we no longer have to consciously remember them.

Some lessons take longer to incorporate.  That chipping away at old patterns.
Some might hit us with full force after a sudden awareness, which may or may not be triggered by a major event in our life.

Remember to be gentle with the process. Because learning lessons does not end, as long as we are still breathing!

Remember that all that really matters, is love.

Love is our Soul Purpose.

And that you have all of the tools and resources and answers within you already to know how to live that!

Speaking...

I had a friend tell me that another mutual friend has not been in touch with me lately, because she doesn't know where she stands with me.  She likes me, but her main reason?  Because I don't speak a lot.

I wasn't hurt or upset.  I didn't even feel the need to defend myself.  All of those things would have been certain once upon a time.

It was almost like a could feel a little pixie on my right shoulder just having a bit of a laugh!

Maybe that person did or didn't say that.  Maybe the message got a bit skewed in translation.   Either way, I honestly had the feeling that what another person thinks of me, is none of my business!

Maybe that other person is feeling insecure.  I personally thought that she and I had enjoyed some wonderful, and deep conversations.

Later on, I did ponder the statement though.  I thought about the way that I am with people and I just wanted to reflect on it.

At school and church, we were taught to be quiet, but then they wanted up to speak up on command.  I never bought into the trained monkey idea.

I became an observer, a listener.  I like watching people and trying to figure out why they do certain things.  I shared bits of myself at different times.  Sometimes I got hurt because of that.  So I'd pretend to be someone else that was more outgoing or more naughty or just someone that I was not, just to try and fit in.  It didn't work.  My true self said to me "what the heck are you doing?!  You are a gift and you need to let yourself be free so that you can shine!"

Great advice!

I've had a lot of people in and out of my life.  I became cautious about what I shared with new people, and I had to be really comfortable with someone before I could talk about my feelings, or my story.  That became a pattern of protection.  I aim to be kind, and open, and loving, and friendly.  I am happy to hear about you.  Maybe sometimes still, I can be so busy listening to what you are saying, with your words and / or energetically, that I don't even think to share much about my thoughts or feelings about whatever we are talking about.  Sometimes it seems that someone else has a greater need to speak, so I let them go for it.  I don't have a huge need to speak.

I find small talk painful.  And draining.

I don't enjoy being in groups where there are a few people that seem to want to dominate the conversation and talk over the top of others.  The energy feels frantic and competitive to me.

I do enjoy being in relaxed groups with gentle conversation, without needing agreement on whatever subject is being discussed.

I love to talk about the deep things.  About connection.  About finding your power.  About joy.  About what really matters to you.  About Trust.  Purpose.  Stepping up.  Falling down.  Real stuff.  That's the stuff I want to talk about!  And even better if we can chat one on one.

I am not afraid of public speaking, I can do that about any of my passions...unschooling, Love, homeschooling, living simply, Joy, connected parenting, Reiki and energy healing, traveling with children, etc.  I'm very comfortable with bartering, asking for discounts / refunds / replacements, and calmly speaking up when I know that my rights have been wronged.  Some people are terrified of all of these things.  I used to be.

I'm not verbose in person.  (Though I can ramble on via this blog!)  I like the space between the notes.  I like quiet.  Most of the time.  I'm very comfortable with it.  Some people are not and they have a need to fill up the quiet with a stream of chatter.  I don't like to ramble on about the weather, or the political situation, or what I had for lunch.  I'm not judging those who do.  Hey, if that's your thing, I'm happy for you!  Really.  And I've know plenty of lovely people whose thing it is.

I am more inclined to feel my way through life.  I really don't feel the need to talk a lot.  Some friends in the past have found that trait to be quite calming.  I'm not going to be someone that I am not.  Here I AM!  I am happy to be me!   I hope that you are happy to be You!


I'd say that this meme sums up my philosophy:

Slow down...

"Can you slow down please Mom?", said my 11 year old son as he reached out to hold my hand.

We were walking along the beach, soon after the sunrise.

We often did this.  For me, it was a dual purpose activity.  Get some exercise for me and whoever else came along with me, and spending time in nature.

I didn't realise how often the first reason dominated.

There I was, fast walking through the soft sand as I'd done so many times before.  I look at the rising sun, the waves, the sprinkling of seashells.  And I think that I'm doing myself a favour by grounding myself while also pushing myself to walk fast, to see if I can break a little sweat.  To look for the softest sand to walk in as that's more challenging.  To get my main workout for the day over and done with.

And encouraging my kids to do the same.  Not so much with my words, but definitely with my actions.

I started "exercising" in my teens, though I'd always been pretty active anyway.  I studied fitness, health, nutrition.  I worked in the fitness industry.  Also from my teens, I read books on mind-body-spirit connection and spirituality.

I thought that I "got" it.  To some degree, I did.  Sometimes, much more than others.

But today, I got a deeper lesson.  From one of my greatest teachers.  My son.  Who, at almost 12 years old, still loves to hold my hand and have long chats with me.

All that I had to do, was to slow down.

I remembered that I need to let go of control...and surrender to another way.  It's okay for me to stop rushing, and moving fast.  I'm not going to seize up, or turn into a blob if I stop walking fast all the time.  In fact, I might even firm up and trim down as I won't be constantly creating stress in my body which only encourages the body to hold onto weight.

I was so focused on the exercise portion of the morning, that I was down-playing the JOY factor.

Thankfully, I listened to my teacher.

So, we played.

We took turns playing follow-the-leader where the person in front walks all kinds of silly ways, and the person following, has to try and step into their footprints in exactly the same way. It always ends in lots of giggles.

We climbed on the boulders.

We wrote in the sand.

We played at the edge of the water, jumping and stomping through the shallow water.

I got a lesson in balance, and in the importance of JOY!

My body felt happy just because it was moving in a playful way.  The effect was longer-lasting both physically and mentally, than if I had pushed myself to work hard.

There is so much emphasis on results, that we often forget that the process is what's really important.

The happiest times of my life, were when I lived that.  When I was not even focused on "living in Joy".  When our days consisted of play, and movement, and nature, and just Being, and without even trying, or thinking about it, I was living in a state of Joy.

I know that I've lived it before.  I know that I can do it again.

Thankfully, I have a great teacher who will remind me!

I'm not going to stop doing intense workouts.   There is something really empowering about pushing myself to go a bit further, or harder, or to lift heavier.  But I will aim to remember to not take it all too seriously, and to have fun and enJOY the process.  Perhaps I'll even stop referring to them as "workouts", and instead call it "play time" to remind me of where my focus would better serve me.

There is so much freedom in letting go of control!

When I get out of my head and the shoulds, musts, have tos, blah blah....and let my heart lead.  Then.  Then there is Joy.

It's so simple, yet we make it so damn complicated some times!    Just remembering how simple it is, makes me feel lighter.  I'm sitting here laughing at myself and this whole crazy life!!

Control...and Surrender

Mercury retrograde, or whatever other forces within me and outside of me...thank you.

It was a tough, emotional realisation, but one that I had sensed was coming.

My issue with Control.

Why?  When did I first feel out of control?

Definitely when I started school, a couple of months before I turned 5.  Possibly even before then.

I remember walking myself home from school when my mother was late in picking me up.  New to being 5 years old, I was full of independence and a sense of freedom and adventure.  I still remember what that felt like as that little girl.  I was confident and not at all scared.  When I finally did make it the long way home, I was surprised that my mother had called the Police and that everyone that we knew had been out looking for me.  I didn't see what the fuss was.  I was home.  I'd had a great time.  I remember feeling so free on that walk.  Away from the teachers telling me what to do, how to learn, when to eat, when to go to the bathroom.  Away from everything and everyone that I knew.  Just me and my little legs taking their time, and enjoying every step.

As a child, I could feel that there was something so much ...More.  I had tasted freedom, and I loved it!  I had known it was there, but the severe reaction to me enjoying that, made for a big question in my young mind.

I grew quiet and observed how the game was played.  I found ways to pretend that I was doing the right thing.

Years of schooling, church, society, peers.  Control...think...do...act...please...play the game.

I had many spiritual insights as a child, but I didn't know what to do with them.  As a teen, I continued a spiritual search, I became more interested in health, but also in any way that I could be free.  I had an inner rebellion gathering force.   Often it would leak outwards - smoking, drinking, drugs.  Sometimes, I was just unkind to people that were genuinely trying to love me.  I am not proud of any of that.

I was restless.  I moved around.  The rest of the story doesn't really matter right now.

I wouldn't say that I was a "control freak".  But it has been a way for me to maintain my independence.  "No, I don't need help...I can do this by myself."   But at the same time, I wanted to help others.  My husband, my children, my family, friends and clients.  I got in my own way, and didn't always allow others to do things their way.

Not all of the time.  I've certainly had a lot of times when I felt like I was in the flow and accepting and allowing.

But there was still this control factor there, in the background.  The band-aid that I had put on in order to cope with this world where I didn't feel that I could always just BE.  I know that I held myself back.

In this world where there is just so much that I cannot control.  Where there are so many things that affect me deeply.  Where I just get so upset about the injustice done to other people, especially the children, also the animals and the environment.  I tried to maintain control of my own little space.  Maybe a little too much.

I now face that need to control.  I feel how it is limiting me.  I see that some of it was based in fear.
Fear of being 'wrong'.
Fear of not knowing the outcome.
Fear of needing to find a new way when I worked so damn hard to figure out the other way.
Fear of not wanting to put others out.
Fear of thinking that I am too selfish and I will hurt someone else (as I did in my teens and 20's).
Fear of shining too brightly and the safety of holding back.
(Wow.  This is why I love writing...for the personal processing that happens.  I didn't realise most of the things in this paragraph until I got out of the way and let it flow.  wow.)

I thank Control for the perceived protection it used to give me.....I see its motive, realise that it does not serve me, and I release it.

I surrender to freedom!

I go deeper into Trusting that life is unfolding as it should.

Of course there is still a game to play, and things that need to be done in this life.   But with a lighter mindset and a happy heart, I can be soaring even when I am paying bills or doing housework.  With surrender, I can accomplish the exact same things, but with peace and calm and joy, rather than frustration and fear.

This life is just so interesting.  The layers that we build up and then pull down!  What a ridiculous, hilarious, clever process it all is!

It feels as though this was just another important realisation in this winding, roller-coaster, swirling path of really living as Love.  This lesson has come up before, but I take it deeper this time.

I just need to remember:

Lessons in the water

I started a new tradition on my 50th birthday.  I go to the beach to watch the sunrise, then I dive into the water at the same time that I was born all of those years ago.  Usually, that is two minutes after the official sunrise time.  I don't know if it is because I was born in the morning, that I particularly like that time of the day.  Whatever, I just do.

I recently enjoyed my 52nd birthday.  I went to the beach with two of my children.  The water was still so warm that we spent over an hour playing in the waves!  I was swimming around, thinking of people that I was grateful for.  Then I decided to do some body surfing.  Gosh it felt great!  I got up from one wave, swam out again and wanted to catch another wave right away.

The wave that was coming, was one that I knew I should not attempt.  My instinct was saying 'NO'.  My mind just ignored it.  That wave flipped me hard onto the top of my head on the sand with a jolt that I felt through my entire spine.  It then turned me over and pushed me along the sand so that I grazed my face from my nose to my chin.

How humbling.

How hugely grateful I felt when I came back up and realised that my arms and legs were working and what a close call that could have been!  Other people have lost the use of their limbs from something like that.

I continued to focus on my gratitude.

I also thought of how, the previous year on my birthday, I had chosen the word 'vitality' as being something that I wanted to focus on for myself.  That made it a priority for me, and I worked with a wonderful naturopath to help turn my health around.  Not that it was bad, it just wasn't where I wanted to be.  I had a few little complaints that didn't seem to be getting any better.  I was feeling grateful for how far I had come with healing those things.

Then I just opened into a quiet space, not expecting anything.

The word "Essence" came to me.  I believe that I am to focus on going deeper and remembering my true essence in the coming year.  I know that my Essence is Love, and that it manifests as Peace and Joy.  Sometimes I forget to act like I know that.  But I now need to take that knowing deeply into everything that I do.

The next message that came to me is that I need to remember to Trust my Instincts!  Thus the lesson of the wave to cement the message!

I am looking forward to the coming year!

I hope that you are living your life in a way that is open to receiving the beautiful messages that Spirit provides us.

Letting go...

In the past six weeks, I've let go of a lot.

A lot of material items, and a lot of inner releases as well.

It has been the most relaxed and joyful holiday season I've experienced for a very long time.


I've done major decluttering so many times that the process is familiar and even easy.  I don't follow anyone's 'rules' for doing so.  For example, some people try and get their wardrobe down to a set number of pieces.  I don't see the point in that.  I have a small area for my clothes.  I just want them to fit in there neatly.  I also want all of the clothes in there to be clothes that I feel happy wearing.  Every so often, I go through them all when I realise that there are clothes in there that I just haven't been wearing.  I try them on and ask myself two questions: "Is this comfortable?" (I only like clothes that I can't feel when they are on.  No scratchy areas, or seams, or tightness.)  And, "Do I feel good in this?".  The feeling is not just the physical comfort, but the sub-conscious effect of the colour and style.  With these two questions, it's very easy to decide on whether or not to keep something, or to let it go so that someone else might use it.

I have been through every cupboard of our little townhouse.  It's amazing how many bits and pieces were hiding in the shadows!   Again, two questions: "Do we actually use this?", and "Does this delight me?".  Only one question needs a "yes" for an item to stay.

If we have been somewhere special, I often pick up a stone or a shell or an unusual stick or something.  I keep these things around the place.  When I can no longer remember where I picked that piece up, and the memory associated with it, I return it to the earth.

I got rid of several pieces of furniture that were just storage places for 'stuff'.  In getting rid of a place to hold it, I then was able to be more ruthless in what stayed and what went as I moved things around.

I let go of the idea of being a great gardener.  At least while we are living here.  I have tried container gardening, but not very successfully.  If I read more about it, and tested the soil, and moved the plants in and out of the sun or fertilised more or less frequently, I'd probably do better.   I had been trying to grow different foods.  The thing is, we can easily go through one lettuce in a day or two.  The amount of space that I'd need to maintain our demand was crowding us, and the amount of time that it would take to care for that, can be better spent elsewhere.  I got rid of a lot of extra garden pots and garden paraphernalia that was cluttering up our patio.  It felt really good.

I let go of a lot of other projects that no longer felt important.  These were things that had held a little piece / peace of me as I'd thought that I should finish them someday.  Gone.  Not necessary.  I did all that I needed to do.

I let go of books that were no longer relevant.  Now all of my books fit neatly on one shelf.  I am going to take more time to read in the coming months.  I rarely read fiction, it's usually books on health and spirituality that inspire me.

With Thanksgiving, two family birthdays, Christmas, and a road trip to visit extended family, the holiday season can feel overwhelming to me.  I try to make each event and every person feel celebrated.  A huge thing for me, is that I let go of that being my job, my responsibility.  Instead,
I stayed authentically in my own Joy, and I let that ripple out.

Another huge thing for me, was that I let go of the grief that I still had about my Dad no longer being earthside.  So many of my Christmas memories featured him so strongly, especially from my childhood.  Christmas carols always reminded me of him as he loved to sing, and I loved his voice.  I let go of the attachment to those early memories, I let go of the sadness that I wouldn't hear his voice again.  Instead, I just remembered the Joy of those times.  I felt a deep Peace, and a lot of gratitude for those memories.

I let go of having to do certain things.  I wrote fewer Christmas cards.  I baked fewer cookies.  We did not put up all of the Christmas decorations.  I spent more time doing things for myself, like going for a paddle out on the lake that we live on.  Without guilt!  With Joy!

I rarely went onto any social media.  Before I cut back, I had tried to keep up with news and events from family and friends on a regular basis.  But I just stopped.  I stopped having to 'like' my friends posts.  I also stopped the subtle comparison I was subjecting myself to when I thought I should be more like some of my friends who were fitter than me, or more creative than me, or more fun than me.   I 'unliked' and unfollowed a whole bunch of pages and people.   Maybe twice a week, I might have a quick scroll through Instagram and Facebook, and that's enough.  I've got board games to play, books to read, new recipes to try, and fun to be had with the people that are here in my life right now.

I don't know what the new year has in store for us.  I feel so good to be starting the year feeling so light.  Feeling so Joy-Full.  Feeling more space within me, and around me.  Feeling calm and, with fewer distractions, more focused on goals.

I hope that you all are in a place of Peace, and that the year ahead brings you good health and great happiness.

In Joy,
Annette

Photos, and a little catch up...

I just realised that I haven't posted on here since early June.  Crikey!  What have I been doing?!

Nicholas turned 11!  We celebrated with a family day, doing whatever he wanted to do.  Shortly before his birthday, he was given an amazing Canon digital SLR camera by a new friend who had recently bought herself a new camera and was no longer using this one.  Wow oh wow!  This woman, who we hardly knew, was so generous with this gift, expecting nothing in return.  Nicholas is thrilled and has been learning more about photography.  His Grandad would be so proud!

I continued to love to take photos of sunsets, 

and sunrises....

I absolutely love starting my day with a walk along the beach.  It really sets the tone for the rest of my day.  It helps me to feel so deeply peaceful in a way that nothing else does.  

I don't go there every day, but I deeply appreciate it whenever I do.

Back in early May, Nicholas and I started volunteering at an organic food co-op.  It was mostly fruit and veg and some grocery lines.  It was going to be something that we just did now and again, because some other homeschooled friends of ours were also going there.  Somehow it turned into us going there every single week, even when our friends stopped going.  I enjoyed being a part of what was being created.  I enjoyed helping other families to be able to buy affordable organic food.  I liked the people that we worked with.  I enjoyed dusting off some of my office skills and helping the co-op to get more organised. 

There were a lot of changes, and it started taking up more and more of my time.  My family was supportive, but I felt like I was starting to neglect them, and some of my own personal goals.  Some things happened that made me question what I was doing.  I thought of a friend of mine who had passed away recently, aged 44...a single mama of four children.  I thought about how we just never know how much time we have left, and just want to be so sure that I am doing the things that are the most important to me.  Going to the co-op started to feel like 'work', and some family matters came to a head that made me realise that I just needed to stop.  

It was such a good decision!  Although it's only been a few days since I told them that we wouldn't be back, I already feel so much lighter, and more productive in other areas.  My family seems happier to 'have me back' too.  

I love living near the beach!  In one of the touristy areas a little north of us, we found this vending machine that has thongs / flip-flops instead of candy bars and sodas!

AJ was letting his hair grow.  Since this photo, he has cut a little off.  He's still going to TAFE to do the Year 10 equivalent and seems pretty happy.

The amazing SWELL outdoor sculpture exhibition was on again along Currumbin Beach.  This was one of my favourites this year...

This one was pretty good too.. 

These huge deck chairs had us feeling like little kids.

And of course I thought of my Dad with 'The Clubhouse'...

We recently bought another old windsurfer board from the tip shop ($10!) and found an awesome kayak paddle that will unscrew so you can have the option to have a short single paddle and a longer paddle (also $10 at  an op shop / thrift store!).  We've been spending a lot of time out on the lake in front of our house.  I used to be pretty fussy and would only go out when it was sunny.  But, I pulled out my wetsuit and now go out anytime that it's not too windy.  Sami or Nicholas usually come with me.  Sometimes I stand up on the board, or kneel, or sit and kayak....

...or I just take it super easy and go with the flow...!

This year is flying by.  Sami is looking for full time work, and is doing some volunteer work in the meantime.  Cary is busy working on different projects.  Just coordinating everyone, homeschooling, and taking care of the home takes up a bit of time.  I've also been working on myself.  After some minor health issues,  I have seen a wonderful naturopath and have made a few changes that have helped me to feel more energetic.  I am remembering to say 'no thanks' to invitations when things are getting too much.  And I'm so glad that I remembered to do that when it came to the co-op situation.  I feel as though a space has opened up for something new to come to me, something that is more in alignment with my purpose.  

I Trust that it will come when the time is right.  

Right now, I am just enjoying every day as it unfolds.   

And, just because .... here's another beach pic!

Facing the fog

I'm not always sweetness and sparkles.  I don't think it's realistic to be optimistic 100% of the time.  I will say though, that my down days are much further apart than they used to be, and they are much shorter in duration.

I thought I was quite fine recently, but Cary sensed that I had an underlying unhappiness, in the way that some people can feel an earthquake coming.  Once he brought it to my attention, it was like it then gave me permission to stop pretending, and look at what was really going on behind the smile.

I tiptoed towards the edge of the fog and retreated.  Again, I went ahead....dare I brave putting a toe in there?  What might happen?  What would I discover that I didn't really want to face?  I retreated, but the fog bubbled and curled closer to me.

We continued the dance through sleepless nights and blurry days.  Keeping myself ridiculously busy so that I just didn't have time to explore the grey feeling.

But it kept growing, and getting louder.  Until a friend asked me "If you could have / do / be any three things just for you (not the family or the rest of the world), what would those three things be?"

What a great question!

Why was it so hard to answer it?

My first thought was that of travelling to tropical islands.  Snorkelling, lazing in the sunshine, feasting on fruit.

My second thought was that I just wanted to get on a big black motorcycle, and ride away.  Just me and the road.  Riding for days and days....

I don't have a motorcycle and I don't know how to ride one.  But that fantasy has been playing in my mind lately.  Speaking it aloud to my friend, I saw it as a sign that I am needing to regain my personal power, and a bit more time for myself.  Hmmm.

I could not come up with a third thing that I really wanted to have / do / be.  Again, a sign that I really need some reflection on what the heck I am doing with my life!

Stewing on all of that, I started to feel the fog pushing me, shaking me, grabbing me.  I fought back.  I swore.  A lot.  I wrote several pages on everything I disliked about my life right at that moment.  And then I cried.  Hard.  I didn't have any answers, but somehow it just helped to release it all.  Cary listened but didn't try to fix anything.

I had to go out and I got chatting to a couple of ladies that I knew, but I didn't know all that well.  The conversation quickly went beyond the fluff, to a deep and meaningful spiritual connection.  I have so much gratitude for these friends!  (For all of my friends actually.  Every single one along the way has been perfectly placed in my life.)

I was so humbled by the timing of that particular conversation.  It totally helped me to remember my real path, and I wouldn't have been able to do if I hadn't faced the fog earlier.

Somehow, I just feel that everything is going to be just fine!   I don't have an exact map of how it's going to be fine.  I am just back in touch with Trusting that it will be.  Of course I know that I don't just sit back and watch it happen.  I know that I need to do the leg work (and the mind work, etc).  I just feel at Peace that the right path will be shown to me.

photos

How did it get to be the 17th of May already?!!  Life has been cruising along, and I've forgotten to post photos on here.  Here's a little snippet of the past however many months...

Nicky and I

AJ at Muay Thai

Currumbin Beach...Ahhhh

Lucky and Lady (I don't know which is which, they swim on the lake out the front of our place and  often come together to visit us)

Just beautiful, Bilinga Beach pathway

Cary needed cataract surgery after using steroid cream for the eczema that started when he moved to Australia.  Not many people know that the cream can cause that side effect.  Of course I had to draw a funny eye on his patch.  And we made cupcakes for the doctor when he went to get his bandage off.  She and her staff thought they were great!

Sami and I joined a craft group and started learning some weaving.

Mama and babies...more of the local wildlife on our lake.

Bribie Island

Jayde and AJ at Dreamworld

Sami, Nicky, Geoff (my brother), me and AJ

Just because I cannot get enough ocean sunrise photos!

It's not always sunny here.  It's the subtropics, so we get lots of rain!  This is our front patio.

Over the hills, this is what the countryside looks like.  Which is why we love the coast!

Nicky Angel!

Tallebudgera Creek...a little crowded, but beautiful!

AJ, now 15 years old!